


A Misplaced Star

by starvonnie



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drunkenness, M/M, Mechpreg, Pregnancy, Prompt Fill, Secret Relationship, Sticky Sexual Interfacing, Transformer Sparklings, Unplanned Pregnancy, help me, super schmoopy lovemakin', yes a multi chapter prompt fill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2018-10-19 23:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10650348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starvonnie/pseuds/starvonnie
Summary: Megatron and Rodimus have been dating in secret for some time now, but an unplanned sparkling throws a wrench into their plans.





	1. Chapter 1

A rap sounded on Rodimus' door late at night.  A rap that he would never have pegged to be Megatron's, but there he stood, taking up the entirety of the doorway.  His awkward optics checked the hall behind him, and then behind Rodimus before red finally met blue.

"May I come in?"

"Sure?"  Rodimus gave him a weird look but stepped aside nonetheless.

Megatron wrung his hands as he passed Rodimus, keeping his back to him as Rodimus shut the door.

"You said 'no personal quarters,'" Rodimus said a little angrily.  "What's changed?"

Megatron turned to face him, turning a pitying look his way.  No words sprung forth to explain.  Only the silence greeted him.  The empty nothingness that often spoke more than either of them could.

"Are you...?"  Rodimus hugged himself while Megatron's face crumpled that much more.  "Are you breaking up with me?"  His voice cracked.

"Primus, no!"  Megatron closed the gap, reaching for one of Rodimus' hands so he could lay a kiss upon it.  "Nothing like that."

"Oh."  Rodimus left his hand suspended a moment after Megatron released it.  "So... what, then?  Just wanna frag?"  He gave him a lewd smile.  "We've never actually done it in a bona fide berth yet."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Oh.  Okay.  That's cool."  Rodimus couldn't stop his spoiler from drooping.

"Not for lack of want, my dear," Megatron comforted him.  Fingers carefully stroked audial flares until Rodimus was practically purring.  "But I did come to talk about something important."

"Think it could wait until after a frag?"  He gave him a flirty smile, trailing fingers up his arms.  "You're already here, and you've already got a gorgeous mech in your arms.  Seems like a great opportunity has--"

"I'm sparked."

Rodimus stopped his hands, hovering just over his chest.  A rather full chest, it seemed.  After a moment more of staring with wide optics, he let his palms come to rest on the swirls.  Staring at his Autobot symbol.  Now with the knowledge that something wonderful was occurring behind it. 

"Well.  Wasn't expecting that."

“I’ve spoken with Ratchet.  It’s too late to terminate.  But I won't burden you with this, Rodimus.  You have no obligation to take responsibility for this child.  It was my mis--"

"Are you about to call them a _mistake_?"  Rodimus looked disgusted as he removed his hands from Megatron's chest.  “Wait, you were just going to kill them without a second thought?”

"I don't enjoy the idea, if that's what you're implying."  Megatron's tone took on a growl.

Rodimus angrily removed Megatron's hands from his frame and stepped away.  "It doesn't sound like you enjoy the idea of actually having them!" 

“Think rationally, Rodimus.  What life could we possibly hope to give them?”

"So, what, you aren't even going to _consider_ raising them?"  Some of Rodimus' anger morphed into pain.  His voice was far quieter the next time he spoke.  "What are you even planning on doing?"

“I’m going to give them up for adoption.  I’m looking into a few couples on the ship, but we can schedule a jump to Cybertron if that doesn’t work out.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?”

“You get a say, of course, but not the final say.  And I’ve made up my processor.  The best thing that I—that  _we_ —can do for our sparkling is to give them up."  He rested a hand on Rodimus' shoulder, face falling when he jerked away from the touch.  Letting his arm return to his side, he continued, "No amount of love will protect them from the stigma of being my offspring.  I don’t want them to carry such a burden, for that is my burden to carry.”

“But..."  Rodimus' optics unfocused as he thought.  I’ll raise them, he decided.  "I can just say I was the carrier.  No one has to know their sire, right?  We’ll…  we’ll figure it out.  That way you can still see them.”

“Rodimus.”  Megatron put his hands on his shoulders, and Rodimus let him this time.  His thumbs made little circles to comfort him.  “My frame is large enough to conceal my gestation tank.  But a little thing like you?  It will be suspicious if you don’t show.  No.  This is what’s best for them.”

“Then…  I can still be the sire.  I’ll just say they’re from a relationship I’m not in anymore.  That their carrier didn’t want them.  That’ll work, yeah?”  Rodimus' hands returned to his chest.  Felt that extra sparkbeat beside Megatron's.  Their sparkling was in there.  The sparkling Megatron couldn't wait to get rid of.

Megatron let out a long sigh and embraced Rodimus.  His conjunx gripped him tightly, his spoiler falling down.

“I'm sorry, my Sun.  I already love our sparkling, and I will mourn their absence, but it is because I love them that I want to give them the best life I possibly can.  And that best life can only be granted to them if all ties to me are severed.  Unfortunately, that includes you.  Already bots suspect there is more to us than just being Co-captains.  If you try to raise a sparkling who looks even a little bit like me, there will be questions.  Anyone else could blame it on dormant genes or coincidence, but not you.  And I know it hurts.”  He cradled Rodimus’ helm and tucked it into the crook of his neck when he started to shake.  “And I know it’s unfair.  But this is their best option.   _Our_  best option.  And know that I will find you in the next life and I will give you the family you want.  The one you deserve.  I will make sure that there is nothing that could keep us apart and nothing that would stop us from having all the sparklings your spark desires.”

Rodimus wrapped his arms around Megatron's neck so he couldn't pull away.  "But we were given one now!  We can have that family _now_."

"We can, but we can't.  We can have the sparkling, but it will never be in the way you want.  Bots will hate them because they hate me.  Every move they make will be scrutinized.  Even the slightest step off the 'right' path, or any perceived deviation, and they will find some crime to pin on them.  They will be blamed for everything I have ever done.  And the quickest way to drive someone to a life of crime is to convince them that they are already guilty."  Megatron sighed and pet Rodimus' spoiler.  "That, and we would have to make our relationship known, and you would be subjected to a similar scrutiny.  There would be bots would hate you, as well.  Some might not want you in your life anymore.  Do you want that?  Do you want that for our _child_?"

"At least I want them!"  Rodimus pushed Megatron away just enough to look at his face, but stayed close even when he let his arms fall.  He couldn't hold optic contact for too long.  Not while Megatron kept looking at him like that.  Letting his forehelm rest on Megatron's Autobot symbol, he murmured, "Maybe we should just come clean.  Bots will probably find out anyways.  And wouldn't it be nice?"  Blue optics shimmering with emotion turned up to look at Megatron again.  "No more hiding in closets.  You can stay the night whenever you want.  You can stay the night _period_.  You can kiss me good-bye.  We can do everything a normal couple can do.  And then we can have this sparkling.  We can raise them and give them the best damn life that we can.  We can have all of that.  Doesn't that sound nice?"

Cupping Rodimus' face, Megatron leaned down to touch forehelms and then to kiss him.  A lingering kiss.  The kind that Rodimus never wanted to end.  He could stay suspended in this perfect moment forever, but all good things came to an end.  "Of course it does, my Sun.  It is all I ever want.  But it is an impossibility with me.  I do not hide our relationship because I want to, I hide it because that is what is best for you.  How you can care about me, I do not know.  But should you ever stop, and that would be a blessing for you, I do not want this hanging over you.  This is the best way."

"It's the hardest way."

Megatron kissed him again.  "The best things always are."


	2. Chapter 2

To save themselves from further arguments, they came to a compromise.  Rodimus would open himself to the idea of adoption, while Megatron reopened himself to the idea of keeping the sparkling. 

And then came the begging and pleading.

Four times already Megatron had tried to leave.  If his conviction had been stronger, and were Rodimus an easily ignorable thing, he would have been in his quarters already.  But still he was locked up in his arms.  Right by the door.  Unwilling to take another step in for the fear of not being able to take it back.

"You might as well stay the night," Rodimus tried to reason with him.

"No.  I should go." 

Megatron started to pull away, but Rodimus grabbed his hand before he could get far.  "Stay?  Please?  At least for a little while...  You're already here, right?"

"Each moment more I spend in here only heightens others' suspicion.  The sooner I leave, the easier it will be to write this visit off as friendly, or if we're lucky, professional." 

"Then make it very friendly."  Since Rodimus couldn't move him, he moved himself closer.  Their plating close, but not quite touching.  "It's not like we fight on the bridge anymore.  Just say we were watching a movie or something."

Megatron scoffed.  "And of all the bots on this ship, Rodimus would choose Megatron to watch a movie with?"

"Well, yeah."  Rodimus cocked his helm.  "Why wouldn't I?"

" _You_ would, of course."  Megatron tried to get Rodimus to release his hand, but it would take a fight that he still wasn't willing to start.  "I am referring to the Rodimus that is not dating me.  The one who still hates the mech who killed his planet and blew a hole through him, expecting him to succumb to the same fate.  The one who was forced into closeness and still sees it that way.  The one who has only stopped the bickering because he has realized it is pointless.  And that Rodimus would not spend hours alone with Megatron.  That Rodimus has long since turned Megatron away.  Dealt with whatever couldn't wait until the morning."

"Yeah, well, that's not me.  And maybe _that_ Rodimus is starting to lighten up a bit."

"And maybe his lapse in judgement will be our downfall."

Rodimus sighed.  "Did anyone even see you come in here?"

"You can never be too sure."

"But did anyone actually _see you_?"  Rodimus gripped his hand harder.

Megatron gave a sigh of his own.  "I suppose not."

"Then we get to decide how long you were here for.  Or you do, anyways.  And that's only if anyone happens to see you when you leave, which I doubt they will.  So get that stick out of your aft and let mine in."  Rodimus gave him a lewd smile.

"... I'll stay a little longer.  But nothing like that."

"Aw, c'mon, Megs, please?  Just a quick frag.  One that won't leave something aching afterwards.  Please?  I'll let you go right after."  Rodimus saw Megatron's will cracking as he held him with a single hand and pleading optics.  A little tug had them moving the opposite direction from the door.  One step gave way to as many as were needed to get them to the berth while they were already caressing and groping and kissing and all but tripping over their tangle of pedes.

His back to the plush berth, and more handfuls of Rodimus than he could ever hope to grasp at one time above him, Megatron asked rhetorically, "You're not going to make it easy to leave after, either, are you?"

Rodimus just smiled as he was granted another unworried kiss.  How every kiss should be.  Free of the panic in his spark every time he heard a noise.  Free of the tension in his limbs as he gripped Megatron's equally relaxed frame.

How he envied the others.  The conjunx of the ship who never had to hide.  Who could kiss freely and love openly.

Love.  Something that had never crossed his mind until he wasn't free to feel it.  And what _was_ love?  A feeling, he'd been told, but which one?  Rodimus felt so many things with Megatron, and _strongly_.  His senses felt heightened whenever he was near.  His vision crisp so he may see him.  His audials sharp to hear every syllable.  His olfactory sensors charged up so he could drink in his essence.  Even refuelling wasn't the same.  The energon felt so smooth and tasted so sweet, as if reminding him of how wonderful life was.  And touch.  Oh, he felt everything.  From the ghosting trails of fingertips on his plating to the sting of pain-pleasure as denta met mesh and wire. 

All of this foreplay had Rodimus soaked.  Their frags had to be quick and often awkward, so hurriedness had become their default.  It left Rodimus aching and whimpering when they went twice as long just feeling each other up as they would have fragging amongst ship parts and cleaning supplies.  So when Megatron finally released his spike, Rodimus was on it immediately.

"No need to rush, Rodimus."  Megatron stroked up the curve of his waist.  He paused on each biolight to give it its own attention.  Attention that Rodimus ate up, moaning and sinking down on his spike a little more each time.  "I will give you this evening, if nothing more.  I'm afraid that staying the night is out of the question, but I will give you this.  So take your time to enjoy this, because there is no telling when or if we will ever get another chance."

One hand stopping the one on his waist, and the other taking to Megatron's face, Rodimus whispered, "Thank you."

"Anything to see my Sun shine."

One little push up, and Megatron was fully inside of him.  Every caliper pushed as open as it would go.  The exhilarating feeling of fullness made Rodimus' processor swim.  Not that it had been very clear to begin with.

Rodimus started moving but ended up letting Megatron take over.  Falling down on top of him, ventilating heavily on the brink of moans, and accepting and giving kisses in equal measure. 

Primus, he needed this.  He really needed this.  The hands all over him, but slow and gentle.  The deep kisses.  The passionate ones.  That were almost better than the actual interface.  What was actually leaving him breathless.

Hugging Rodimus at his waist, a hand on the middle of his back to hold him in place, Megatron rolled them over until he was on top.  Rodimus held him tightly so he wouldn't get any ideas about pulling away.  He wanted him right here.  Where he could kiss him whenever he desired, and desired, he did.  How could he be expected to fit an entire relationship's worth of missed opportunities into one night?  One _evening_ , even? 

 _Don't stop_ , he wanted to whisper.  If only it wouldn't be taken the wrong way.  Not that he wanted that to stop either, but he didn't want something more important to stop.  Mainly the way Megatron was looking at him right now.  How he took a moment to gaze at him after their lips parted.

"Oh, god."  Rodimus held Megatron's helm still.

"What is it?  Am I hurting you?"

He stopped Megatron from pulling away, holding him until he looked right into his optics.

"No, you're not hurting me.  Not really, anyways."  Rodimus cracked a smile that grew the longer he looked at him.  Until he practically _giggled_.

Megatron gave him a confused look.

"This whole situation just got a whole lot harder, though."  A tainted smile, now.  One with sadness fueling it.  He stroked Megatron's cheek, his confusion only compounding as the gears in his processor turned.  Always a step ahead, hm, Megatron?  His smile grew again for finally having the upper hand.  For once he was in on it, and Megatron wasn't.  But he couldn't keep him from it.  It had to be said.  And that.  That was the hard part.

"Megatron?"

"Yes?"

Rodimus stared a moment more.  Bit his lip.  Willed himself to _just say it already!_   Instead, he kissed him.  Softly.  Sweetly.  And for as long as he cared for.  As if they had all the time in the world, and they kind of did.  Not really, but kind of.

"What is it, Rodimus?" Megatron asked after a moment of just looking into his optics.  "You're sure you're not in any pain?"

"No, no, I'm more than fine, Megs, I just... I..."  Rodimus bit his lip again.  It was something for his mouth to do.  Made him feel a little less guilty about the silence he kept making.  About the time he was wasting.  _Just say it!_

"I... I love you."

Megatron _laughed_.  Here Rodimus was, about as vulnerable as he could be without showing him his spark, and he was _laughing_.  Well, the moment that he could, he was going to push him off and make him leave.  Sparkling be damned!  He could do whatever he wanted with the damn thing.

"Oh, Rodimus..."  Megatron cupped his cheek, burning with anger.  "My Sun. My beautiful Sun.  I do not share my spark with just anyone.  Our sparkling may have been unplanned, but they were not created without love."

The heat in Rodimus' face faded to that of blush.

"Why would I go to all of this trouble for someone I did not love?"  He stroked his thumb over the pink tinge.  "Why would I try to protect you so fiercely if I did not care?"

Rodimus shrugged slowly, wonder in his optics.  "I mean, I put out pretty early."

"I would have been just as content to cradle you in the dark silence of the storage closets we're forced into.  But I do admit that I take delight in making you feel good.  When your optics roll back in your helm and all you can do is cling to me and _moan_."  He gave him a few slow thrusts, achieving much of what he confessed to loving.  "I've never told you that I loved you because I assumed you already knew, my Sun.  I love you in everything that you do."

If this were the only evening Rodimus got with Megatron like this, he couldn't be too disappointed.  He felt so light that he feared he might float away.  Thankfully, Megatron's weight was there atop him, holding him down to the berth in the most delightful way.  His chest felt as full as it had when they had merged sparks, and no doubt as full as Megatron's felt at all times now.  And though Megatron enjoyed hearing him, as he resumed he only let out soft gasps among his deep ventilations.

"Don't give them up," Rodimus pleaded, stroking his helm until he lifted it to look at him.  "Please."

"Not now."  Megatron kissed him to muffle the sounds that escaped Rodimus' voicebox as he increased his pace.  He slowed again when he pulled away to say, "We will discuss this again, but we can discuss it elsewhere.  Let us not spoil this time together.  Just enjoy it."

"Yeah.  Yeah, you're right.  I'm sorry."

"No need for apologies, my Sun."  He left kisses all over his face and neck as Rodimus grew less coherent.  "Say only what must be said.  Waste no more of our short time."

Rodimus decided that there were no words worth saying then.  Nothing but low moans cut with sudden gasps fled his frame.

"That's it, Rodimus."  Megatron caressed along his arched back, which arched even more severely at his touch.  Such a young thing.  Such a flexible thing.  A beauty that he could call his own.  Any mech would have been lucky to have Rodimus look his way.  For Megatron to be able to call him his own, the stars must have aligned.  A divine intervention.  One that ended on the tiny star growing in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

"Rodimus, may I speak with you a moment?" Megatron asked during their shift the next day.

"Yeah, sure."  Rodimus tried to sound casual.  He'd also tried to, not necessarily _avoid_ , but not openly notice him.  While he hadn't started any conversations, he couldn't help but look over during their shared shift.  Gazing longingly.  Mostly at his chest, where their sparkling grew little by little.  His casualness was as much of a failed attempt as distancing himself from his conjunx.

Megatron headed towards the office, and Rodimus followed.  He might have noticed the couple of bots who turned to look a little suspiciously at them, but he was too busy smiling.

"Sorry if I'm being too obvious," Rodimus apologized once the door hid them from view, though he kept on smiling.  "I'm just so happy.  We have a sparkling, and... and last night."  He met Megatron's gaze, and a little bit of joy fell away to see him so neutral.  "Sorry."

Megatron sighed, but it ended on a little smile of his own.  He held a hand out to Rodimus, and he gratefully accept it, and then the offered kiss when he leaned down a little.  Just a quick one, and then they parted once more.

"I would like you to tone it down, if you can," Megatron began, "but that's not why I asked to speak to you."

"What's up?"  Rodimus second attempt at being casual failed as much as his first.  He sounded wary, if a little hopeful.

"Two things.  One, I have an appointment with First Aid and Velocity in a few days, and I was wondering if you'd like to come.  Wait, before you get excited, just know that I haven't changed my mind, I just wanted you to be there in the event that they notice something is off.  This brings me to my second point.  What do you think about Cyclonus and Tailgate as our sparkling's adoptive parents?"

A swell of sadness doused Rodimus' fizzing spark.  "I mean... I think I won't care who the parents are if they aren't _us_."

After a quick glance at the closed door, Megatron embraced Rodimus.  "My Sun, I know this isn't what you want, but if it can't be us, don't you want them to have the best life we can give them?"

Rodimus said nothing for some time.  He hugged Megatron back, burrowing against him until he could forget the rest of the universe existed.  If only it didn't, then they could have their sparkling.  They wouldn't have to make this difficult choice.  He pulled back slightly, and the office appeared, right where his somber spark had left it.  Beyond this, the bridge still lay, with the handful of bots there, ready to judge them.  With hundreds more on the ship, and countless more on Cybertron and across all of its colonies. 

He wasn't Rodimus anymore.  He was Megatron's conjunx.  Their sparkling, whatever their name ended up being, would only be known as Megatron's spawn.

His spark constricting even tighter in his chest, Rodimus retreated back into the safety of Megatron's arms, but held onto the terrible knowledge. 

"Okay," Rodimus conceded.  "We'll give it up."

"It's the kindest thing we can do," Megatron murmured.  "You're making the right choice."

"I hope so," Rodimus whispered as he was released back into the harsh reality.

His only comfort was the pain in Megatron's own field as he released him and leaned back against the desk.  He gripped the edge of it hard, as though it physically hurt him to be away from his conjunx.

"So, what do you think of Cyclonus and Tailgate?" Megatron asked again.  "If they accept, you'll still be able to see them."  He put a hand to his chest.  "I think it would do both of our sparks good to still be involved in their life, however small.  Even if that just means we are their co-captains."

Rodimus nodded sadly.

"Is that nod a yes to Cyclonus and Tailgate?" Megatron asked gently.

Rodimus shrugged.

"I know this is hard, Rodimus, but I need you to use your words."

"Yeah, I guess," Rodimus said.  "It's not like we have a lot of options."

"No, not really, unfortunately," Megatron agreed.  "Not if we want to be able to see them easily, anyways."

Rodimus stared at the floor, then lifted his optics to Megatron's Autobot symbol, behind which sat the most precious thing in the entire universe.  "They'll take care of it, yeah?  Love it like we would?"

"If they don't, they'll have some problems with me."

Rodimus gave a half-sparked chuckle.  "Yeah.  Me too."

* * *

 

"That's it, Velocity," First Aid praised.  "The last wire connects to that diagnostic--yes, the small port there.  Well done."

Velocity did a happy little wiggle after she plugged the last connection into Megatron's diagnostic panel.  A small port, one that Rodimus had never really noticed on his own.  Now, it was clear why.

First Aid looked at the little device in his hand, nodding a few times.  "What do you think, Velocity?"  He handed it over to her, and her optics cycled wide.

"His spark energy is off the charts!" Velocity commented.

Rodimus smiled proudly.  "Point one-percenter sparks.  Nothing like 'em."

First Aid chuckled.  "Well yes, that, but also completely normal for a carrier."

"Oh."  Rodimus spoiler drooped a bit.

"Turn that dial until you can register the individual sparks," First Aid instructed.  "They're very similar right now, but Rodimus' CNA will have altered it enough to differentiate them.  Yes!  There."  He pointed to the screen on the device for Velocity, then to the larger one just beside the berth.  "That first one is Megatron's, and the second one is the sparkling's."

"That's their frequency?"  Rodimus' optics were moony as he looked at it, even gently touching the screen.  "It's such a weak signal."  He snapped his hand back as though he'd been shocked.  "Is that bad?"

"No," Velocity reassured him.  "Until it's just about ready to detach from the carrier, sparklings give off weak signals, right, First Aid?"

"That's right.  You're a quick study, Velocity."

Velocity beamed.  "Well, I've done a lot of reading on it already.  I'm just glad to have a chance to actually hone my skills."

"So you've... never delivered a sparkling before?" Rodimus asked.

"Don't worry, Rodimus."  First Aid put a hand on his shoulder.  "I've done it more times than I can count, and I'll be helping her every step of the way.  It truly isn't that difficult a procedure, either."

"Okay, but, how many point one-percenters have you delivered for?"

"Rodimus."  Megatron rested a calming hand on his.  "First Aid and Velocity know what they're doing."

"I've also dealt with my fair share of worried sires."  First Aid chuckled.  "And while, no, I've never delivered a point one-percent spark, it shouldn't be any different.  They may grow and mature faster, but it's too early to tell right now.  We're going to have you back in every week for the next while, Megatron, just to check in and make sure everything is going as it should.  If the growth is normal, you won't have to come in as much.  And Rodimus?"  He turned to address him.  "I can have all the information sent to you so you can keep track, too.  I know it won't be easy for you to come to every--"

"Oh, no, I'll be here," Rodimus said. 

"No, you won't, Rodimus."  Megatron tugged on his hand just a little until he looked at him.  "It will be suspicious if we both disappear together every week."

Rodimus rolled his optics.  "Like people aren't already suspicious."

"Which is why we need to see _less_ of each other, not more."

"We can give you some privacy, if you'd like," First Aid offered awkwardly.

"No, no."  Megatron waved his free hand dismissively.  "Rodimus already knows all of this.  He's just being stubborn."

Huffily, Rodimus crossed his arms, pointedly turning his back to Megatron.

"Just finish the scan," Megatron requested quietly.  Once First Aid and Velocity got back to it, Megatron gently and inconspicuously stroked Rodimus' back.  He would have gotten mad at him if it weren't so comforting.  He needed all the comfort get could get right then.

All the noise around Rodimus paled in comparison to the static buzzing through his processor.  He stared at nothing as he listened to First Aid ask about Megatron's energon intake and the amount of recharge he'd been getting.  Rodimus heard them, but didn't retain anything.  All his audials picked up was the gentle sparkbeat of his conjunx, repeated through the smaller beat of their sparkling.  _Their_ sparkling.  Not anyone else's.  Theirs.

"Rodimus?"

"Huh?  What?"  Rodimus blinked a few times as he looked to where the sound had come from.

First Aid gave him a sympathetic look.  "I need you to keep yourself in good health, too.  You don't have to cut out engex, but keep your intake low.  If anything goes wrong we can--"

"You think something's going to go wrong?"

" _Rodimus_ ," Megatron scolded gently.

First Aid kept as calm as ever.  "No, I don't.  The sparkling is in good health now and should stay that way as long as Megatron stays in good health, too, but there can always be complications no one could have prevented.  In that unlikely event, we can borrow some spark energy from you to give to the sparkling.  Again, it's not likely, but just in case."

"Yeah.  Yeah, okay."  Primus, it would be hard to resist the pull of engex with his processor so frazzled all the time.  "But... they're okay?"

First Aid nodded.  "Very."

Rodimus ventilated a sigh of relief.  "Good."

"I can give you some extra nutrients as a top-up, if you're worried," First Aid offered.  "It won't hurt the sparkling if they have what they need, but it can be an extra little reassurance.  If you'd like to, of course, Megatron.  It's your frame, in the end, so it's your choice."

Megatron looked from Rodimus to First Aid.  "What do you recommend?"

"I don't think you need them," he answered truthfully.

"I'll do without then, thanks," Megatron said.

"Alright.  Velocity?  Can you take down all of the specs for the file?"

Before First Aid finished speaking, Velocity had whipped out a data pad seemingly from thin air and began jotting down all the numbers and medical words that made no sense to Rodimus.  He just hoped they were good.  After that, they started to unplug everything.

"So... that's it?"  Rodimus couldn't help but say that a little sadly.  While this wasn't exactly quality time, it was more time together than they usually had.  With something to sit on.  With the lights on.  Without having to check over his shoulder.  Only falling short of the night before, it was the most time they'd spent together as a couple with everyone in the room aware of that fact.

"That's it."  First Aid helped Velocity to pack away the medical equipment.

"Would you mind if we stayed here a little bit longer?" Megatron asked, as though he'd read Rodimus' mind.

First Aid and Velocity exchanged a look, and then she smiled while First Aid's visor brightened with amusement.

"Just don't tell Ratchet."  Velocity put a finger to her lips while she winked and the two of them left.

First Aid closed the door, but with the window it could hardly be considered a private moment.  Private for them, of course, and infinitely better than some dank storage closet where Rodimus had to be careful to not topple the mops leaning against the wall.  Not that they'd be fragging in the medbay, but he would like to get up to some more intimate activities.

"Give me your hand," Megatron requested.

Rodimus did, and Megatron placed it over his spark.

"Can you feel them?" he asked.  "Can you feel our sparkling?"

Of course he could.  He knew it was there.  Why the frag was Megatron smiling like that?  This wasn't some cute family moment.  They weren't going to _be_ a family, or at least not a family of three, and what kind of fragging family never got any quality time together?

"Yes," Rodimus answered flatly.

"We created a life, Rodimus," Megatron said with wonder in his voice and optics.  "I might never be able to claim them as my own, but I'm finally going to put something good into this world."

Rodimus grunted quietly in agreement, his dull optics staring at his hand, beneath which beat the life of his conjunx, and his sparkling.  _Their_ sparkling.  But never theirs.  Not truly.

"... Are we going to be okay?" Rodimus asked quietly.

"Of course we are," Megatron said without hesitation.  Though, he hesitated before speaking again.  "Do you not think so?"  He ducked his helm, trying to meet Rodimus' gaze, but he avoided him.

Rodimus put his hand in his lap, watching it as it dropped.  "I dunno."

"Talk to me, Rodimus."

He clenched his fists, curling in on himself a little.  "It hurts, Megs.  It hurts, and it's not fair, and I know you know that, and _I_ know that, but..."  He pulled his legs up onto the tiny medical cot, resting much of himself on Megatron.  "It'd be different if I got to go home to you.  If we otherwise had a normal life.  If you could comfort me.  I still wouldn't want to give them up, but... I can't even talk about any of this with Drift.  I'm going to be a sire, but as far as the world beyond this door knows, I'm... I'm not."

Megatron wrapped his arms around Rodimus.

"I just wish I could talk to you.  Kiss you.  Fall asleep next to you.  But I can't.  I never can.  This is it.  This is the best I get."  While he was talking, Megatron hugged him tighter and tighter, closing his optics as he hid his face.  He couldn't help but laugh.  "The closest I can get to you is when we're in the fragging _medbay_."

After Megatron's fingers found Rodimus' finials and gently stroked them, he whispered, "I should let you go.  You're not happy."

"Stop trying to fucking break up with me!"  He sat up suddenly, resisting the urge to smack him upside his stupid helm.  "I _love_ you!  I don't care how hard it is, I'm not going to leave you!"

"And it's because I love you that I want to see you happy," Megatron argued gently.  "You're never going to be happy as long as we have to keep this a secret, but I can't force the life as my conjunx on anyone, much less you, my Sun."

"So, what, you think I'll be happy if I have to see you around the ship all the time?"

Megatron's optics dimmed and then darkened as he looked away.

"Just... just stop trying to break up with me.  I'm starting to think you just don't like me anymore."  Rodimus looked down at his hands, his pointer finger trying to strip the paint from the other. 

Megatron took a hold of one before he could do any damage.  He brought it to his lips, closing his optics as he left a long kiss on it.  "Rodimus."  He met his optics.  "I love you in every moment of every day.  It kills me to not be able to love you the way I want to.  But... this likely won't be forever."

"Stop..."  Rodimus rested his forehelm on Megatron's.

"And when this ends, either by your choice or the universe's, I want--"

"Just stop."  Rodimus' voice was almost inaudible.

"I'm sorry, my Sun."

Rodimus shook his helm.  "Just kiss me.  Kiss me while you can you big ol' bastard."

And he did.  He kissed him with everything he could give.  If he could kiss him until all the hurt faded from Rodimus, he would, but already his spark bore the scars of past, with new welts making X's that would pale to make way for new wounds.  Healed only by the love they sought in dark corners, they would continue to hurt.  They just had to hope that their sparks could take the hit that giving their sparkling away would bring.  Already a crack etched its way down the delicate crystal.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm here!  I'm here."  Rodimus stumbled into the room, giggling a little as he missed his chair the first time.  He made it the second time, though he almost fell out of it as he lounged.  "Sorry, mechs, you know how I am with _times_ and _deadlines_.  We're not exactly _conjunx_."  He laughed far too loudly than was appropriate.

"Rodimus, have you been _drinking_?" Megatron shout-whispered, leaning over towards him.

"Wha?"  Rodimus kept his voice at his normal level.  Well, normal for someone who had downed a bottle of engex all on his own.  So, quite loud.  He shrugged exaggeratedly.  "First Aid said I could!"

"That doesn't mean you can drink _whenever you want!_ "  Megatron's voice grew louder with his anger, then he growled and sat up straight.  To Cyclonus, who was sitting across the table looking quite confused, he said, "You'll have to excuse my co-captain."

"Uh, what?"  Rodimus cupped his audial like he hadn't heard him right.  "Last time I checked, _you_ were _my_ co-captain."

Megatron sighed frustratedly, his optics flaring with rage for just a moment.  "It's the same damn thing."

"Not from where I'm sitting."

After another growled sigh, Megatron said, "Really, I'm sorry, he's... going through a rough time."

"I... see."  Cyclonus gave him a glance when he put his pedes up on the table, crossing his arms huffily.  "What did you want to talk about?"

Megatron gave Rodimus a longer look than Cyclonus did, his field crackling with annoyance.  Shaking his helm, he folded his hands in front of him and said, “We’ve called you in here to ask you an… awkward question.”

Cyclonus said nothing.

“For some time now, Rodimus and I have been involved… romantically,” Megatron explained.  Further embarrassment flooded his field and then was quickly reigned in.

Cyclonus only nodded at the news, folding his hands on the table, as well.

“We’re conjunx,” Rodimus grumbled.

“To put it bluntly, yes,” Megatron said.  "And, as I'm sure you can imagine, this stays between us."

"Of course."

"That being said, we've come across a... complication."

Rodimus huffily turned himself away from Megatron, accidentally slamming his pedes down on the floor in his inebriated state.  He was glad he did, though.  He was pissed.  They should know.

He felt both sets of red optics on his frame, though Cyclonus' politely left after a moment.  His conjunx's lingered, and he felt the pity mix in with his annoyance in his field as it stretched out to touch his frame when his hands couldn't.

"I'm not sure I'm the best mech for counselling."

Megatron sighed.  "No, it's, nothing like that."  He leaned his forehelm into his hand, gathering his thoughts.  "Perhaps it's best I get right to the point."  He lifted his gaze to meet Cyclonus' and said, "I'm sparked.  It's Rodimus'.  And as you can imagine, it has put us in quite a predicament."

"Hmph.  It doesn't have to be a problem."  Rodimus turned even more, crossing his arms.  He started to regret spending the morning at Swerve's as his anger burned off the buzz and left him with a bit of a helmache. 

Another glance from Cyclonus, then he said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I still don't understand why I'm here?"

"Originally we had planned on inviting Tailgate as well, but...  We weren't sure if he could be trusted with this secret just yet.  We--"  Megatron glanced at the fuming and drunk Rodimus.  "-- _I_ wanted to broach the subject with you, first."

"Alright..."  Cyclonus still looked confused, and a little wary.

Megatron shut his optics for a moment, taking a deep ventilation.  "I would like to preface this question by telling you that you, and Tailgate, are under no obligation to accept our proposal.  It is an unusual one.  But, again, I won't mince words."  Megatron laced his fingers together, letting them come to rest on the table.  "Rodimus and I would like you to raise our sparkling with Tailgate."

"At least one of us does," Rodimus muttered.

Megatron placed a hand on Rodimus' knee, and he should have shaken it off, but it brought him comfort.  Comfort he desperately needed.  "We understand that this is a strange request, and that it is not one that can be made in an afternoon.  And again, you are under no obligation to accept.  It is your choice as to whether or not you share this with Tailgate, but no one beyond you two must find out about this.  Which means that the child can never know that you aren't their biological parents.  I understand that this could be difficult for the both of you.  If you are interested at all."

"I'm interested."

Rodimus' spoiler popped up as he turned, optics surprised and skeptical.  "You are?"

"Yes.  Tailgate and I have been considering having a sparkling.  But there is a good chance for complications if either of us try to carry.  We were already thinking about adoption."

"That's wonderful."  Megatron smiled.  "It seems this arrangement could work out in both of our favours."

"I would still need to discuss this with Tailgate," Cyclonus said.

"Of course."

"And if we have another meeting like this, you aren't to exclude him," Cyclonus said, and edge to his voice.  "I know he is not the most secretive of mechs, but he would not go around blurting out secrets."

"I apologize, Cyclonus, I didn't mean to offend, but we are taking a risk telling even _you_."  Megatron sighed, glancing at Rodimus.  "Neither of us want this to be a secret, but I'm sure you can understand why it must be this way."

Cyclonus said nothing to that.  "Just make sure to include Tailgate."

Megatron nodded.  "Of course."

"If I may ask, though, why choose us?"

Megatron gestured to Cyclonus.  "Red optics.  Possibility of a flight frame.  You both would garner a similar batch of traits that we will, and... more selfishly, we do still wish to be in their life, even if it isn't how we want to be."  Megatron let out a little sigh.  "Though, if they inherit my size or Rodimus' colouring, I'm not sure if the crew will believe they're yours."

"I think the lie would hold easier with as much truth as we can keep," Cyclonus said.  "We would let them and everyone else know that they're adopted."

"We'd have to schedule a jump to Cybertron, then."  Megatron stroked his chin as he thought.  "It does make the most sense, though.  It would dismiss any questions regarding the gestation period, as well.  You might be able to lie and get away with it, Cyclonus, but Tailgate is much too small not to show."

"Then why can't we just say _I_ adopted a sparkling?"  Rodimus looked at Megatron as though Cyclonus weren't there anymore.  "It'd make just as much sense."

"You know why, Rodimus."

"Maybe it'll get a ton of our dormant genes!  You don't know!"

"Rodimus."  Megatron fixed him with a hard stare.  "We've discussed this.  Neither of us are keeping it, and that's final."

"I'd like to discuss this with Tailgate at length, first," Cyclonus interjected awkwardly.  He half turned in his chair, as if he was ready to flee.

"Yes, of course.  You can leave, if you'd like.  You'll tell us what your decision is?"

Cyclonus stood.  "I will get back to you."  He left quickly.

As soon as the door shut behind Cyclonus, Rodimus got up from his chair in favour of straddling Megatron's lap, putting his hands on his chest.

"Now that he's gone... wanna have a quick frag?"  He smiled lewdly.  "We can always pretend the meeting went on for longer."

Megatron grabbed his hands by the wrists and pulled them off of his chest.  "What was that?"  His optics dropped down and up Rodimus' frame.  "What is _this_?  Why did you show up _drunk_?  I thought you were past this immaturity!"

Rodimus shrugged languidly.  "I wanted to."

"You _wanted_ to?"

"Hey, First Aid said I could!  So what's your problem?"

"My _problem_?"  Megatron scoffed.  "I could say how _unprofessional_ it was to show up drunk, but, for one, I doubt you _care_ , and secondly, I'm almost _glad_.  Perhaps they'll be more inclined to adopt a sparkling if they think one of their parents is too incompetent to raise it!"  He dropped Rodimus' hands, disgusted.

"You ever consider that maybe I'm getting drunk while I still _can_?"

Megatron shook his helm.  "It's never just because you _can_.  It's always because you can't handle reality."  His field pricked at Rodimus' plating, both angry and empathetic.  "You can still talk to me, you know.  Secrecy doesn't have to mean that we don't still care about and look out for each other.  We can make excuses when we need to."

"And yet you're _wasting_ a perfect one by not fragging me."  Rodimus crossed his arms and pouted.

"I don't want to."  Megatron fixed him with a hard stare.  "And even if I did, you're drunk."

"Wouldn't be the first time you fucked me when I was drunk."

Megatron inhaled harshly, disgust spiking in his field.  He reigned it in and forced his face to neutrality.  He picked up Rodimus and placed him on his pedes and then stood.  "Go home.  Sober up.  I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Aw, c'mon, Megs, don't be like that."  Rodimus tried to sound coy, but the anger still slipped into his voice.  "At least make out with me for a bit.  We've got this fucking perfect opportunity to spend time together and you're just going to _throw it away_."

" _Go home_ , Rodimus."  Megatron left without another word.

Rodimus scoffed.  To the door, he said, "Yeah, and I'm sure I'll see you there when you change your mind!"

* * *

 

Rodimus grumbled all the way back to his room.  He didn't stumble as much.  Unfortunately, he wasn't all that drunk anymore.  Now he was just irritated and horny.  Megatron should've fragged him.  A hot mech practically throwing themself at him?  That wasn't something any ex-warlord should turn down.  He should have been glad to get _anything_.

He took a nap once he got in—not because Megatron told him to!—but because he was just tired.  It took him a moment to get over the way the world spun, but his heavy optic covers helped him along into a dreamless sleep.

When he awoke, with only had a minor helmache, and after he served himself a glass of regular energon, he felt immensely better.  Physically, anyways.  His drunkenness had afforded him a brief reprieve, but he hadn't had enough to forget, and now his new regrets piled on his old sadness in a horrible pile of fuck-up.

Rodimus sent Megatron a text message.

 _Hey, Megatron.  Can we meet in the closet?  I want to apologize_.

Ten awful minutes passed before he received an answer.

_Apology accepted._

_Just ten minutes?_ Rodimus begged.  _I didn't even get to kiss you before_.

Twenty even worse minutes passed.  Rodimus considered numbing himself again.  He didn't know if Swerve would serve him again, but there were a few bottles of engex in his cabinet...

 _I don't want to see you right now_ , Megatron finally answered.

A hand crushed Rodimus' spark.

 _Can't_ was one thing.  _Don't want to_ was a whole other thing that Rodimus hadn't experienced with him yet.

"Fuck," Rodimus whispered to himself.  Then he said it a few more times, each one harsher and louder than the last.  "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ , FUCK!"  By the time he was done cursing, his voicebox burned from the word.  His fist, too.  Energon dripped from his knuckles; the same hue as the blots on his dented headboard.

 _He hates you now_ , the words sprang forth from a dark part of his processor.  Freed sometime between his first drink and his last.

"No, he doesn't," Rodimus whispered, but he couldn't believe himself. 


	5. Chapter 5

Rodimus was both relieved and saddened when he remembered that he wasn't sharing a shift with Megatron.  He was _definitely_ relieved when he got to the bridge to find him already in the office, ready to hand off command to him.

"Hey," Rodimus said quietly after the door shut.

"Hello."  Megatron didn't look at him.

"Sorry about... y'know... the way I acted."

"Apology accepted."  Megatron _still_ didn't look at him.

"I won't get drunk again."

Finally, Megatron lifted his optics from the desk, but he regarded him coldly.  "I wish I could believe you."

"I won't.  Promise."

Megatron sighed, shaking his helm.  "That was quite a stunt you pulled, Rodimus."

A tired yellow spoiler fell even further.

"I'm afraid that feeling bad about it isn't going to cut it this time," Megatron said, returning his gaze to his work.  "If this is the way you're going to act, I won't be bringing you to any more discussions."

"It's my sparkling, too!" Rodimus argued.

"And if you were carrying, you would get the final say."

"You're not being fair."

"Oh, _I'm_ not being fair?"  Megatron all but slammed down the data pad he was holding.  "How fair is it for you to leave all the responsibility to me?  I knew you did that with your ship, but I thought you cared enough about an actual _life_ to take this seriously!  How _fair_ is it to show up _drunk_ to such an important meeting?  How fair is it to force me to deal with your childish behavior at every step?  I am _mortified_ that Cyclonus had to see that side of you—that side of _us_ —and now you have the _nerve_ to say that I'm not being fair?  You want me to treat you like an adult?  _Act like one_."

Megatron stood and stiffly walked past Rodimus, throwing, "The bridge is yours," over his shoulder.

"Megatron, wait!"  Rodimus grabbed his arm.  "Please."

"Make it quick."  The corner of one angry red optic flashed as he turned his helm.

"I really am sorry," Rodimus repeated.  "I know it's... a problem.  I'm _trying_."

"I appreciate that, and I see that, but if you can't control yourself I can't have you around for negotiations."  Megatron turned back towards the door as Rodimus let go of his arm.  "I'm sorry, Rodimus."

 

That afternoon shift passed more slowly than any other.  Rodimus worked.  He did what was needed, and nothing more, only speaking when he had to.  He hid in the office as much as he could, leaving the often fought over captain's chair to gather dust.  When it was finally over, Rodimus felt more exhausted than he had ever felt in his life.  He went home right after, going straight to sleep.  He considered checking for any messages from Megatron, but he was glad he didn't, because by the morning, he still had nothing.

Rodimus sighed quietly, his back hunched as he perched on the edge of his berth, trying to find the energy to face the day.  Both he and Megatron were expected on the bridge, this time.

He jumped in surprise when his comm rang, and he rushed to answer it as he spied the familiar frequency.  Just before he answered it, though, he took a moment to calm his racing spark.  He wanted to show Megatron that he could be responsible.  That he wasn't just some lovesick fool who was dying to raise his sparkling.

Lying was... hard.

"Hey," Rodimus finally answered, trying to be friendly but not overly so.  "What's u—uh, what did you need?"

"I'd like to meet with you," Megatron said, hushed.  "After our shift.  The usual place."

"Yeah!  Yeah.  Yeah, okay."

"To talk," Megatron clarified.

"... Maybe more, too?" Rodimus pressed.

"That depends on how the talk goes."

Rodimus swallowed as his spark sank a little.  He nodded and forced himself to smile, desperately trying to stay positive so that it would ring true through his words.  "Yeah.  Yeah, okay.  Sounds good.  Right after, or...?"

"Right after.  See you on the bridge."

Megatron hung up.

"Yeah..."  Rodimus whispered to the dead air.  "See you."

He shivered and hugged himself.

He did, indeed, see him on the bridge shortly after that.  After he trudged down every hall and corridor and gave half-sparked "hellos" to everyone who greeted him first.  Everyone else, though, saw their co-captain with his spoiler down and his optics empty.

Megatron, on the other hand, didn't seem affected at all.  He was speaking with Ultra Magnus, not smiling, but that pair never smiled much to begin with.

"Good morning, Rodimus," Megatron greeted him.  He gave him a glance and a nod, and that was the extent.

"Morning," Rodimus said back, quietly.

"Are you alright?" Ultra Magnus asked.  At least _someone_ seemed to care about him.

"Oh yeah, yeah."  Rodimus waved his hand dismissively.  "Just tired, y'know?  Went to berth late."

Ultra Magnus slightly deepened his ever-present frown.  "Try to get enough recharge.  A good captain is a rested captain."

" _Co_ -captain," Rodimus muttered under his ventilations.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."  Changing the subject, he asked, "Anything bad going on?"

Ultra Magnus signed the data pad in his hand and passed it back to Megatron.  "I have to go.  Megatron can fill you in, though it's been rather uneventful."

Rodimus watched Ultra Magnus leave, both happy to see him go and terrified of facing Megatron.  Once the doors closed behind him, he didn't have much choice.  Especially since Megatron walked over to him.

"So, uh, what's the haps?"  Rodimus forced a smile that made his face hurt.

"'Rather uneventful' in Ultra Magnus is 'absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.'"  He smiled, and Rodimus found himself giggling.  Genuinely.  Megatron whispered, "I can handle the morning routine if you want to take a nap in the office."

Rodimus eyed him suspiciously.  Whispering back, he asked, "Is this, like, a trick question?  Like am I supposed to say 'no?'"

"You're going through a tough time," Megatron lowered his voice even further.  Rodimus had to lean in to hear him.  "Go rest."

"So... you're not still mad at me?"

Rodimus immediately regretted asking that when Megatron stood up straight and said, "File those reports for me."

Reports?  Rodimus headed to the office, thoroughly confused, but when he received a text message it finally made sense.

 _I'm not mad.  Take a nap.  You look like you need it_.

Rodimus smiled and then yawned.  He really was tired.  _Thanks, Megs_ , he sent back.  He thought about leaving it at that, but he added, _Love you_. 

To his giddy surprise, he got back, _I love you, too_.

They were okay.  They'd be okay.  They'd gotten through way worse.  Just a little bump, and Rodimus would do better next time.  He _had_ to do better.

He curled up in the chair and was out moments later.

 

When Rodimus woke up, he checked the time.  Just twenty minutes left of his shift?!  He was up in a flash, rushing to the door and hoping that Megatron had a loose definition of what constituted "a nap."

His panicked movements had his processor fired up as if there was a real emergency, and enough optics turned to look at him that he started to believe something really _was_ wrong.

Megatron turned.  "Is everything alright, Rodimus?"

Oh, god, what did that mean?  Was he mad?  Disappointed?  He couldn't be harder to read if he had a mask on.

"Oh.  Yeah.  Yeah, just, uh..."  He glanced around.  "Excited for work to be over, you know?  Might hit up Swerve's later!"  He grit his denta as soon as those words left his mouth.  Megatron frowned, imperceptible to all but his conjunx.  "Or maybe I'll just chill out in my room."  He shrugged casually.  "You know me, always ready for whatever."

"Hm.  Well, if you've finished those reports I suppose I can let you go early.  I'll finish up here."

Rodimus' spoiler popped up.  "Yeah?  Sweet!"  He made his way to the door.  "See ya around, Megs."

 

Rodimus pretended to check something on his HUD as the last bot in the corridor turned the corner.  Then he fast-walked to the storage closet.  This one was tucked in the corner on a little off-shoot hallway.  Hardly anyone knew it was there, so most of the supplies had been left untouched since they first took off.

He sat down in the corner hidden by full shelves, playing a game that only took half of his attention so he could stay alert for Megatron or someone just trying to grab supplies.  Hopefully the former. 

Something about the way his spark raced at every noise and the tense anticipation always had his array warming up.  The few times where Megatron had been delayed for whatever reason had left Rodimus soaked and he jumped Megatron the moment the door shut behind him.

Between long-forgotten brooms and cleansers, they'd found love.  With each caress of thigh and kiss of lips, with each accidental shelf knocked down, they grew closer to their present.  Conjunx.  A sparkling on the way.  Even if it couldn’t be theirs... Rodimus never would have imagined their first fumbling tryst would have lead them here.  He never would have imagined that being demoted, in a sense, could have been the best thing to ever happen to him.  He doubted that he could ever captain alone, now.

Rodimus froze, holding his ventilations, when the storage closet door opened and then shut.  He waited.

"Tarn meets Nyon," Megatron said.  Their code.

Excitedly, Rodimus scrambled to his pedes.  "Hey!"  He all but skipped the couple of steps to Megatron, but he didn't open his arms to greet him.  "You okay?"

"I'm fine."  His words weren't cold, not exactly, just... level.  Like he was talking to an acquaintance.  "I'd just like to talk." 

"You said you weren't mad, though."  Rodimus' spoiler dropped.

"I'm not.  Not really, anyways.  Perhaps still a little upset, yes, but not mad."

"That's the same thing!"

"Rodimus."  He gave him a long look.  "I don't want any distractions from what I have to say.  Alright?"

Rodimus put his hands behind his back so Megatron couldn't see him picking at his paint.  That, and it kept him from hugging him.  "Yeah.  Sure."

Megatron looked off to the side of Rodimus.  "I'm worried about this.  About us.  These last few days have been... difficult, to say the least."

"I swear to _Primus_ if you're trying to—"

"I'm not," Megatron cut him off.  "Not exactly, anyways.  Not in the same way."

Rodimus' spark still raced fearfully, all the same.

"I'm worried we're on a road to resenting each other," Megatron explained.  His optics dimmed as he dropped his gaze.  "I know I haven't been your favourite mech, as of late."

"That's not true."

Megatron looked him in the optic.  "We've been fighting more than I can ever remember.  Even more than before we were together.  It's deeper.  It's nastier.  It sits with us.  Even now, we're both on edge.  Or worse, we're just plain miserable."

Rodimus scoffed and crossed his arms.  " _You_ seem just fine."

"That's just because I'm better at suppressing my emotions.  It's not necessarily a good thing."

"I'd take suppression over..."  Rodimus put a hand to his spark.  "... _this_.  This pain."

"The pain doesn't leave," Megatron whispered.  "It festers in your core.  You just learn to live with it."

Rodimus looked at Megatron's Autobot symbol.  To where the same pain lived; this one far deadlier.

"I'm sorry," Rodimus said.  This one felt far more genuine than his more recent apologies.  "I made it all about myself.  I'm so sorry."  He reached a hand toward Megatron, then thought better of it.  "I know you can't always be there to stop me from hurting myself, and... and that's my problem to deal with, anyways."

"Any problem of yours becomes a problem of mine," Megatron murmured.  Hand to his own spark, he tentatively touched Rodimus'.  "My conjunx, and my sparkmate.  Sire of my child.  When you hurt, I hurt.  There is no disentangling these feelings.  But... it is a two-way street."

"I know."  Rodimus dropped his gaze but put his hands over Megatron's, holding it to his chest.  "I really am sorry.  I know I keep saying it so much and the words are becoming empty, but... I dunno what else to say."

With only minor resistance from Rodimus, Megatron pulled his hand back.  Rodimus felt his empathetic optics watching him.

“There aren’t some magic words I’m waiting to hear,” Megatron said.  “I’m looking for action.  I’m looking to see improvement from you, or at least a sign that you’re trying.  That you’re getting help.  I want to be there for you, I do, but I am not—I _cannot_ —be accessible.  The most I can offer you in comfort and support will never be enough.  I know you know that, and I hope you’re not trying to use these outbursts and breakdowns to try and coerce me into being open about this, because it won’t work.”

“No, no that’s not it at all!”  Rodimus went to touch him but stopped short.  He roughly massaged his palm with his thumb and dropped his optics to his fidgety hands.  “I swear I didn’t mean to do that.  I don’t want to manipulate you, I…”  He squeezed his hand so hard it creaked.  He stopped only when he felt the brush of another, larger hand.  “Hurting myself is easy,” he admitted.  “I know it doesn’t really help me in the long-run, but…”

Megatron’s hands encircled Rodimus’.  Not a shred of yellow would have been seen if they had proper lighting in here.

“I didn’t assume that that was what you were doing,” Megatron clarified.  “But you seemed hell-bent on getting me to agree to keep our sparkling, and…”  He shook his helm.  “I admit I thought the worst.  That was wrong of me.”

Rodimus shook his helm.  “No, I… I see it.  I get it.”

“I don’t want you hurting yourself, regardless,” Megatron said.  “Every new mark I see…”  He lifted Rodimus’ hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss to its palm where the remnants of pain still tingled.  He slowly cracked open red optics full of pain, letting them fall on Rodimus’ face.  “Do you know how hard this is for me?  Even now, I have you right here, but I don’t.  I can’t.  And I know what you’re going to say.  That you don’t care.  Some selfish part of me doesn’t care either, but my love for you will always win out, and my love for you wants me to see you safe and happy, even if it is at the expense of my own happiness.”

“But I’m _not_ happy,” Rodimus said.  The anguish in his voice proved that much.

Megatron cupped Rodimus’ cheek, who immediately hid his face in the wide palm.  “I know.  _Primus_ , I know.  I realize now that a mech who loved you truly would have never let this happen.  You’d still be a free mech.  You found me in a moment of selfish weakness, and now you’re paying the price.”

Rodimus shook his helm and peeked one optic out from behind his hand.  “I’d still love you.  You just wouldn’t know it.  I’m glad I get to be with you.  I’m just terrible at showing it.”

Placing a gentle kiss on his forehelm, Megatron said, “It’s been difficult as of late.  But we both knew that something like this could happen.”

Rodimus said nothing to that.  He never thought ahead.  Even right now all that occupied his processor was how nice it felt to be touching Megatron.  Feeling bold, he wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him, shuddering out a relieved ventilation when Megatron returned his embrace.

“Hush,” Megatron murmured.  “We’ll be alright.  Provided you do work to change your behaviour.  For me?”

“I’ll try.”

“I need an honest effort,” Megatron said.  “In the beginning, back when these were just little flings, I didn't worry too much.  I thought you would never want me for more, so..."  He sighed.  "It's different now.  We're locked together, like it or not."  He brought a hand up to his helm, soothingly stroking his finials.  "And I _do_ like it, make no mistake, but you can't just throw a tantrum or... or harm yourself and expect to get what you want."

Despite Megatron comforting him, Rodimus' spoiler fell.  "I know."

"I'm not sure you do."

Rodimus pulled away a little to look Megatron in the optics. 

"Fighting isn't inherently suspicious, of course.  We've had our fair share of arguments before we were together, but lovers’ spats... they're personal.  They can get loud, and they can get messy, and in the heat of the moment, we can say things we don't mean.  That, in itself, is hurtful enough if we were just a normal couple.  We aren't, though.  If someone catches us in the midst of one of these fights, or if it carries over into our work lives, we could be exposed _and_ miserable.

"I'd hate to ask you to change who you are, nor should I.  Why would I, even?  To change the very mech I fell in love with."  He cupped Rodimus' cheek.  "The one I am _still_ in love with.  But your behavior as of late is unbefitting for a mech your age, let alone a _captain_.  I understand your feelings are hurt, and these are very personal and difficult matters, but drinking and making scenes is only going to hurt us and our sparkling."

Rodimus rested his helm on Megatron's chest, turning his audial to his Autobot symbol.

"I need you to look at me, Rodimus," Megatron said gently, but firmly.  "I need your cooperation."

"Just give me a moment," Rodimus begged pitifully.  "Let me listen to their sparkbeat and let me pretend that we can be a family.  Just a moment."

Megatron pulled Rodimus closer.  "My sun... My sun, and my star."

Rodimus' lower lip wobbled.  He clenched his fists.  "I can’t even let anyone know why I’m upset.”

"You are so strong to endure this," Megatron whispered.  "And I'm here."

"You can't always be here, though."

"I will."

"You can't promise that."

"No one ever can," Megatron pointed out.  "But I will do my best.  I will take some risks if it means I can comfort you.  It seems silly, in hindsight, that I would allow you to suffer while I claimed to be doing what is best for you."  He gave a tiny chuckle.  "Here I am, expecting you to make adult choices while treating you like a sparkling.  It's not very fair, is it?"

Rodimus shook his helm, but he was smiling against his chest.  He tried to keep on smiling as he asked, for the umpteenth time, "Then why can't I decide for myself whether we keep this private or not?", but his smile fell away the more he spoke.

"Because that is not just _your_ decision.  Because the consequences of such a decision are much higher than that of someone finding me in your quarters.  That can be explained once or twice.  That can be written off.  Going public is a decision that cannot be taken back."

"But... but I don't care," Rodimus repeated.  He held Megatron's gaze and watched as it grew sad right before his optics.  "I know about the consequences, and I don't care."

"You say that now," Megatron murmured, "but it is easy to imagine less pain when you are in so much of it."  He took both of Rodimus' hands in his, bowing to place a kiss on the back of each of them.  "Remember, Rodimus, that for over a year now you were okay with this arrangement.  You were okay with only meeting in closets and dead-ends in the ship.  Little forgotten corners that even Ultra Magnus' discerning optic had not bothered to have cleaned.  You were okay with all of this, until our sparkling came into play."

"Because that changes things!"

"Hush, my dear."  Megatron kissed at one of his palms to take the sting out of his quick words.  "Yes, perhaps it does.  It was a wake-up call.  We need to be more careful next time we merge, so this doesn't happen again."

Rodimus put his face to Megatron's chest so he wouldn't have to look at him.  "You still think they're a mistake."

"By definition, yes, Rodimus.  Our sparkling was unplanned."

"But not a mistake."

Megatron sighed.  "Semantics.  Regardless, I don't want to go through this again."  He pet Rodimus' spoiler.  "I'm sure you don't, either.  Because another sparkling won't just magically change our circumstances.  It won't magically make me want to go public with this, nor will I want to keep it.  I just hope this one won't irreparably damage us."

Rodimus sighed huffily.  "People might still find out.  What if they get some of our traits that it's just so blatantly _obvious_?  All of this would have been for nothing."

"We could do absolutely everything to ensure that we would never get caught, and we still might."  Megatron gestured to the closet door.  "If the wrong bot decides to get a broom now we'll be found out.  Every moment with you is a risk."  He stooped down, tilting Rodimus' chin up.  "But it is worth it to feel your lips against mine."  He kissed him softly.  Lingering.

Rodimus' optics glimmered, doe-eyed, as Megatron pulled away.  "But wouldn't it be nice to do that whenever you wanted?"

"Of course," Megatron answered.  "It would also be nice to erase Cybertron's dark past so the war would not have been necessary.  It would be nice if—"

"Okay, okay, I get it."  Rodimus closed his optics and embraced Megatron.  "You're worth it."

"But if I'm not—"

" _You're worth it_."

"What about when I'm gone?"  Megatron tilted Rodimus' chin up when he tried to look away.  "It's not an 'if,' and I know you know this, and I know you don't like to think about it, but you _have_ to.  You have to think about your future without me.  Don't you think, in hindsight, when I am long gone, you will be glad to have everyone assume you hated me as much as any self-respecting Autobot?"

Rodimus' lower lip quivered, and his voice did, too, when he spoke.  "Why wouldn't I want people to know about one of the best things to ever happen to me?"

"My sun... how I have brainwashed you."

"No!  Fucking stop with that shit!" Rodimus exploded.  "I'm so _sick_ of you thinking that there's no way I could love you!  So, what?  You've killed people?  Who _hasn't_?"

"Rodimus—"

"No, you're going to let me fucking speak!"  Rodimus pointed a finger at him.  "I don't give a shit about your past.  I care about where you're _going_.  I care about what you're doing _now_."

"Please, lower your voice," Megatron urged.

Rodimus huffed.  More quietly, he said, " _Fine_.  But you need to stop that shit if I've gotta stop everything else.  I love you, and I want to be with you.  You haven't 'brainwashed' me.  I'm not some naive love-struck protoform.  I know what I'm doing here.  And no matter what you or anyone says, you're one of the best fragging things in my life.  Sometimes knowing that you're my conjunx is the only thing getting me through the day.  So _forgive me_ if I don't want to think about you _dying!_ "

Rodimus ventilated hard.  The palpable silence clogged his vents like a thick coating of dust.  Like he'd become one with the rags and floor wax.

"If this is all I get," Rodimus went on much more calmly, tentatively touching Megatron's arm, "then let me enjoy it to the fullest.  That means no more talk of death or impending doom or whatever, and no more talking as if I'd be better off without you.  Because babe, I'm gonna fuck up my life whether or not you're in it."

Rodimus ventilated through his clogged filters, each one on the verge of pain as more of the toxic atmosphere found his internals.

But like a fresh air filter, Megatron said, "Alright, Rodimus.  I owe you that much."

"Got that right."

"On the condition that _you_ stop pressing me to keep our sparkling.  I'm giving it away, and that's final."

Rodimus sighed.  Already the dust noticeably tainted the new filters.  "Alright."

"You're allowed to mourn," Megatron added.  "You're allowed to scream and cry and lament the world that lead to this.  All I am asking is that you cease your begging questions."

"Okay."  Rodimus nodded.  "Still sucks."

"And it should."  Megatron took both of Rodimus' hands.  "But you are not alone.  I’m here.  Always."

Rodimus managed a smile.  He managed a slightly bigger smile when Megatron stooped down to press a kiss to his lips and steal some of the hurt away.

But only a little.


End file.
